She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
