oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
