oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
