Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
