did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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