Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
