Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize