I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
