Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
