Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
