you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Randomize
