I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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