drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Randomize
