Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
