I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
