Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
