Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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