i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
