Your dad touched me again.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
