Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
