true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
