He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
