I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize