The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
