They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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