She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
