mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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