just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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