o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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