3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Randomize
