my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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