Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
