Are we in a gay sports bar?
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Randomize
