Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
