OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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