So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Randomize
