I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
