i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
