Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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