Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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