At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
