In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm experimenting with sincerity
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
