Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
