sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
