Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
