dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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