my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
