I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
