would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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