Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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