I heard we made out
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
