Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
im on a boat
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