i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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