I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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