Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
