You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
