you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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