Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
