haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
